Why are some people more resilient than others, despite childhood adversity?
Supernormal, by Meg Jay, Ph.D., is the best book I’ve ever read on the topic of resilience. We live in a culture where “hustle” and “grit” are buzzwords used by many to draw attention to themselves or show how productive they are. But resilience is often misunderstood. Is it a character trait, something you’re born with? Or is it an adaptive response to what you’ve experienced?
If you’re interested in understanding the social determinants of health and the long-term effects of childhood trauma (adverse childhood experiences), this is a must-read book. I’m really tempted to copy and paste a lot of info here, but I’ll restrain myself and stick to the main highlights.
What are ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) and why are they important?
If you’re not familiar with the ACEs data, you can read more here. In summary, the more adverse childhood experiences you have, the more likely you are to face multiple chronic conditions – both physical and mental. An adverse childhood experience can be a single event, such as witnessing or being the victim of domestic abuse, or it can be something more continuous, like living with a parent who has a substance abuse problem. ACEs are more common than you might think, with up to 75% of the population having experienced at least 1 of the criteria and up to 40% with 2 or more.
The best part of this book is how Dr Jay provides a case study example, from her clinical expertise, on the most common (and detrimental) experiences that people face and how it tends to shape their life. Data can sometimes be impersonal and it can be easy to gloss over statistics. The author does a great job of helping you to see and feel what abuse, neglect, and trauma does to the soul of a child. It is both powerful and painful.
Trigger warning: As a heads up, some parts were a little too much for me. If you’ve experienced some of these things, it may be the same for you.
What makes someone resilient?
According to Dr Jay and other researches, many resilient people don’t consider themselves as being resilient. Being resilient doesn’t mean that you no longer have problems, it’s something you learn how to do to adapt when bad things that happen. Pain and struggle are almost always part of the untold story of adversity and resilience.
At some time or another, we all learn how to cope with difficulties in life. Some coping skills are very helpful and healthy, but some are detrimental.
“one of the single best predictors of good adjustment after adversity is having external support.”
Resilient people are more adaptable and “adoptable” per the author. This means that while they might not have family support, they are able to find external support through teachers, coaches, or mentors. They often learn how to develop skills (and a personality) that helps them be better received. Healing is always found in community, of one type or another. Loneliness and isolation are dangerous.
Many people find that their trauma is transformed when they actively serve others through volunteer work, support groups, or other services. This is what the author calls “altruism born of suffering.” There are many emotional, mental, and physical benefits to serving others. Many resilient people feel compelled to help others who have been through similar situations and traumas. In turn, they unexpectedly find healing in themselves at the same time.
What makes a life well lived?
According to Dr Jay, what’s the single best predictor of a life well lived, of well-being in adulthood? Love. Here’s a great quote to close this post regarding love and when we need to “reboot” our lives after hardship.
“Part of the untold story of adversity and resilience then is that, for many, love is the greatest reboot of all.”
You can learn more about Dr Jay and this book on her website. You can find her book for purchase on Amazon here.